I’ve got the flu. I’m congested, achy, and I think I’m slightly stoned off pseudoephedrine. Here are 5 important things I know about cats:

1. People can be “cats”, but cats can only think they’re people. Think about it.

2. No matter how motivated a dead cat is, it cannot win a land-based invasion of a major foreign power.

3. It is well established that the old lady swallowed a cat to eat the bird to eat the spider to eat the fly that she originally swallowed. From a superficial investigation, this may appear like a shrewd fly-eliminating plan. However, this in-fact meant that she would have had a cat in her stomach noisily killing and then eating a bird. As someone who has witnessed a cat toying with and then bloodily consuming its prey, I for one would certainly prefer not have this happen in my stomach (I would have just waited for the fly to be dissolved by my stomach acid, personally). Then again, she also swallowed a horse to eat a cow, so she clearly didn’t have a BSc in Zoology.

4. Even though cats hate dogs, they still have sex “doggy style”. Think about it.

5. Top Cat is the indisputable leader of the pack. He’s a boss, he’s a pip, he’s the championship. He’s the most tip-top Top Cat.

Thanks for your time.

– Matt

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